Post Your Jokes Here!

[Denzil]

I remember this thread being a lot of fun in the old forum.

Remember to keep your jokes in line with the Code of Conduct (http://www.f13-community.co.uk/board/showthread.php?t=3).

Here is my first contribution to this thread:

Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner. The dinner occupied only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some American tourists.

As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.

One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. " KAN PEI ...!" " KAN .... PEI "....!!!" The cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted.

"IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU...!"

:lmao:

[Ron]

what do you canll a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip!

[Denzil]

Here is an old classic, so old i had to blow some dust off it before i posted it:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

[The Dark Vampire]

What does the Fonz feed his Rabbit's

Haaaaaaayyyyy

[Denzil]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

[Ron]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks!

[The Dark Vampire]

Shakespeare walks into a pub landlord says Your Barred

[Denzil]

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

[The Dark Vampire]

Man walks into a bar sees Mick Foley says hey Mick want a drink and Mick says no thanks I've got one ere

[Denzil]

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

[Jason's Storm]

I got this one from Jay Leno:
Today they recalled a million pounds of lead, because it contained toys....

~JS

[Ron]

What's the difference between 'deer nuts' and 'beer nuts'?

'beer nuts' are $1.37 and 'deer nuts' are usually under a buck.

[Violent VictiM]

Why was the Shampoo sad?

Because the conditioner was leave-in'...

[Ron]

what do you call 2 banana peels?

a pair of slippers!

[BlakeTyner]

You know why farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them, too!

~Blake

[Ron]

Why did the condom fly across the room?

because it got pissed off!

[Denzil]

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

[Kat]

An old lady goes into a porn store and asks....
Dooooo youuuuu havvvvvve thooooossssseee viiiibratorsss thatttt areeee aboooouuuttt 1 foooooot loooonggg andddd shakkkkkeee liiikkkke maddddd? The clerk says "Yes, ma'am we do". The old lady says "Cannnnn yoooooouuuu showwwww meeeee howwwww toooooo turnnnnnn theeeee fuckinngggggg thinggggggg offfffff"

[Jason's Storm]

Two guys walk into a bar...

that's it. ;)

~JS

[Ron]

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls!

[Darth Sinister]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Ron]

This woman goes to the corner market and brings a can of cat food to the counter. The man at the register knows that she doesn't have a cat so he asks her why she's buying it. "I'm going to feed it to my husband." Shocked the man behind the counter says "you can't feed him that you'll kill him." The woman doesn't listen and leaves the store with her catfood. Later that week she sees the same cashier at the market and he says "How's your husband?" "He died", she says. "Aha..I told you that you were gonna kill him if you kept feeding him that catfood!" "Oh it wasn't the catfood", she says, "he broke his neck trying to lick his asshole!"

[Violent VictiM]

A piece of string walks into a bar. He sits down and says, "let me a beer". Then bartender turns to him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here." Discouraged, the string walks into an Alleyway, ties himself at the midsection, and splits apart his ends. He walks back into the bar and sits again. He says, "Hey buddy, let me get a beer." The Bartender, confused, looks at him and says, "Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here before?", to which the String replies, "No sir, I'm A-frayed knot."

[Ron]

A cat, a dog, and a penis are all sitting by a campfire complaining to eachother. The cat says "Can you believe it, my master makes me shit in a box full of sand." The dog says "Hey buddy, you think you got it bad? My master makes me piss on fire hydrants!" The penis, never wanting to be outdone, says "You guys got it made!" My master puts a bag on my head and makes me do push ups until I throw up!"

[Denzil]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" The mother replied: "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[Ron]

A woman was terribly disgusted with her husband and his gas. Every morning when he woke up, he would rip the loudest, raunchiest farts. The woman said to her husband "One day you're gonna fart your guts out!" That Thanksgiving while she was stuffing the turkey she got an idea. She took the innards and put them in her husbands shorts. That morning when he woke up, he did his usual obnoxious fart. While the wife was down stairs preparing the meal, she was pleased to hear a blood curdling scream. Within a minute or so the husband was standing before her white as a ghost. He said "Honey, it finally happened, you were right! I finally farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them all back in!"

[D-Lo]

I remember this thread being a lot of fun in the old forum.

Remember to keep your jokes in line with the Code of Conduct (http://www.f13-community.co.uk/board/showthread.php?t=3).



Oh man, there goes 99% of my material :eek:

[Ron]

What's more gross than Grease on Olivia Newton John?

Come on Eileen!

[NETRA]

Stop me if you've heard this one . . .

It seems there was a guy who had five penises. His doctor was amazed and asked, "How do your pants fit?" And the guy says, "Like a glove!"

Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off!

LOL! I read this while taking a drink and discovered that orange soda really burns the nose!

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

That one still gives me the giggles! :D

What's more gross than Grease on Olivia Newton John? Come on Eileen!

I don't get it. :confused:

[D-Lo]

CUM on Eileen

[Denzil]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

[Ron]

What do you call two skunks doing '69'?

Odor Eaters!

[Denzil]

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no; male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[The Dark Vampire]

Two Nuns and a Mother superior were at the Pearly gates.
Saint Peter says. " I have to ask you the obligatory question to get it, but I will make it easy."

He asks the first Nun. " What were the names of the first two people in the World?"
First Nun>" That's easy. Adam and Eve. "
Saint Peter >" Correct. In you go ."


He asks the second Nun. " Where did they live ? "
Second Nun>" That is an easy one. The Garden of Eden ."
Saint Peter " Correct. In you go ."


Saint Peter >" Now Mother Superior. Your question has to be more difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam ? "

Mother Superior looks stumped and say's " Ooo, that's a hard one. "

Saint Peter>" Correct. In you go ."

[Denzil]

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

[Ron]

Tom : "I just started dating a dwarf."

Rick : "So how's that going?"

Tom : "I'm nuts over her!"

[NETRA]

Here's a stupid one that always gives me the giggles:

A man is telling his friend about an African Safari he just returned from . . .

"I was walking through the jungle and this big lion jumped out and went RRRRAAAARRRRAAAARRRR! I'm embarrassed to admit that I wet my pants."

His friend says, "Well, that's understandable. You were nearly eaten!"

"No, I mean just now when I went RRRRAAAARRRRAAAARRRR."


"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Is that a true story? It really sounds like something an old woman would say.

CUM on Eileen

Ha ha! Thanks for the clarification. :D

[Denzil]

Is that a true story? It really sounds like something an old woman would say.

No sorry it isn't a true story.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

[NETRA]

DOCTOR- I have some very bad news. I'm afraid you're dying and haven't got long.

MAN- This is terrible! How much time have I got?

DOCTOR- Ten.

MAN- Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?

DOCTOR- Nine . . .


But please don't shove me either!"

HA! That's so cute.

[CanadianFonzie]

What does the Fonz feed his Rabbit's

Haaaaaaayyyyy

I don't even have rabbits!

[Denzil]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[NETRA]

I'm sure you've all heard this one. It's a classic . . .

Q: What's the similarity between Star Trek and toilet paper?

A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.


Thou shall not kill.

:D As a person with a younger stepsister, I can identify. Though I had to worry about her killing me. The one time we got into a real fight, she beat me. (And never lets me live it down.)

I don't even have rabbits!

Oh, I think he was referring to the AmericanFonzie.

[Denzil]

A Sunday School Teacher was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if
They understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
Sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
Neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I
Was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my
Husband,would that get me into Heaven?" She asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.

She continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!

[Darth Sinister]

Here's a few jokes for you.

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

[Special Killa B]

A man sits down at a small diner to enjoy his dinner when three biker's walk in. The first biker walks past the man and knocks over his soda before sitting down at the counter. The second biker walks past the man and spits the biggest greenest hocker in the man's dinner before sitting down at the counter. The third biker walks past the man and smacks the man hard right in the back of the head before sitting at the counter.

The man politely folds his napkin, gets up from the table and exits the diner as the three biker's laugh and call him names.

A few minutes later another man walks into the diner and says "Hey! Who owns the three Harley's out front?" The biggest biker of the three stands up and says "We do, What about it?!"

"Well some trucker just ran them over." :D

[The Dark Vampire]

After a long delay and a cancelled flight airport gate agent was dealing long line of inconvenienced travellers to try and transfer them onto another flight.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter ,

Angry Passenger>"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The Gate Agent >, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was getting more and more angry and started to shout , so that the passengers behind him could hear,


Angry Passenger> "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

Gate Agent> "May I have your attention please?"
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 23

The man obviously humiliated looked straight at her and shouted

Angry Passenger> FUCK YOU

Without any hesitation looked simply smiled and said

Gate agent> ,"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to wait in line for that too."

[NETRA]

That's a funny joke, Dark (with multiple punch lines too!) but I don't identify with a ticket agent saying "I'd be happy to help you . . . " I have yet to meet one who was happy about anything.

Anyway, here's another joke:

A man goes to the doctor complaining that he's no longer able to do any chores around the house.

"Give it to me straight, doctor. I can take it. What's wrong with me, in plain English?"

The doctor says, "In plain English, you're just plain lazy!"

The man nods. "Okay, now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[Spade]

I'm bored so I thought I would resurrect this old thread.

So here goes nothing :

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape..

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Geomonic]

A man is about to make love to his wife, and say "Hey babe, I just got my olympic condoms through the post, I'm gonna wear my gold one tonight, show you a good time".

She replies "Honey, wear the silver one. You can cum second once for once"

[Darth Sinister]

More jokes.

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple" The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long."

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[Denzil]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

[Spade]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

:lmao: That seems like something a drunk might actually say.

[The Dark Vampire]

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, women, cars, planes, bonds and stocks; anything he wanted.

The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all of my money.”

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.” Still no one moves.

“OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house, and all my cars and planes.” Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time.

Ok then, all my money, my house, all my cars and planes, all of my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the pussy you can handle; everything I own.”

“SPLASH!” Someone’s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like tarzan - hes all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.

The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. “That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done! Do you want the money now or later?”
“I don’t want the money.”
“Do you want the house now or later?”
“I don’t want the house.”
“Do you want the cars or the planes?”
“Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?”
“I don’t want that either.”
“Do you want the girls now or later?”
“I don’t want the girls.”
The rich man looks at him and says, “Well, what the hell do you want?!?!”
“I want the S.O.B that pushed me in.”

[Denzil]

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came out to be $15.41. The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?” The business man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?”

[On a Pale Horse]

I was out at the mall the other day with my grandfather. We were having lunch when a couple of kids sat at the table next to us. One of the kids had a bright colored mohawk. My grandfather took notice, and would not stop staring at the mohawk. Finally the kid spoke up and said "whats the matter old man, you never did anything crazy before?". Without missing a beat my grandfather said "I got drunk and had sex with a peacock once, I was wondering if you were my son!"

[Voo-doo]

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum…and one night…one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light…stretching away to freedom.

Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see he’s afraid of falling… So then the first guy has an idea. He says “Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me.” B-But the second guy just shakes his head. He says …he says “What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."

[Denzil]

I applied for a job at a blacksmiths. At the interview:
He asked me did I had ever shoed a horse and all I could say was, "No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once..."

[Amadeus]

A Chinese man moves to America. His first day in the country, he goes to an embassy to get his money exchanged into American dollars. He brings 1500 yuan with him, and gets $208.53. He walks out and goes about his business. Two days later he walks back in and exchanges 1500 yuan and gets $197.23. He asks "Why you give me different money now than before?" and the woman behind the desk says "Fluctuations," so the Chinese man gets pissed and says "Fluck'chu Americans, too!!"


Yeah.

[Ron]

What do you call 2 skunks performing 69?

Odor Eaters!

[The Dark Vampire]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[Darth Sinister]

Here are a few.

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

[Violent VictiM]

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The 7 year old in my trunk.

[Darth Sinister]

A couple more.

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

[HiCkMaN!]

A farther says to his son "if you mastabate too much your gonna go blind" son says "over here dad"

[JVM]

First the Cheese...

*Two guys walk into a bar...the first one ducks, the second screams "Ouch"

*Two smurfs walk into a bar...and the bartender goes, "Why so blue?"

*A kid's father is drunk and puts on a Batman costume, "C'mon, let's play Batman," he cries. His little kid son replies, "Fatman."

The Better Ones...

*"I don't believe in gay marriage, because God created Men AND Women" said a girl

"God also created Children AND Pedophiles" I replied

*"Can you get all your Episode 1 figures out?" Mike asked me once.

"Just dump the whole bin out..." I told him.

"But it'll be a huge mess we'll have to clean up."

"...Dude, that's what Star Wars Episode 1 WAS..."

*"What is a Bully's goal?" asks the teacher.

A girl raises her hand, "To make you cry."

Me, the obnoxious one at the time (2nd Grade) yells out "I thought it was to give you a wedgie!?" - The class bursts out laughing (I Swear to God, I'm not lying here.)

"Michael, in the hallway, you're laughing too hard!"

*Two girls and a boy named David are walking in the hallway. One of the girls accidentally keeps brushing against David. As a joke, David yells out "WOOO!" at one point.

"You little pervert!" one of the girls yells.

"Good kind or bad kind?" David asks.

"All perverts are bad!!!???" said one girl (Dumbfucking stereotype!)

"Not in bed," David said, and then he ran like batshit down the stairs.

*One time during Gym the teacher was just telling us something about a test and suddenly so many kids got angry they all screeched so loud at the same time. For absolutely no reason, I yelled out "FUCK YOU! OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!" during this whole thing - Nobody noticed except the kid next to me.

All of these except the 2 'cheesy' ones are TRUE, except I may have messed up the exact words.

[Skye]

Two fish are swiming in a river. Both run into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says, "Dam."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren't much to look at either.

[BluTsbunny]

A businessman was on his way to Florida for a big meeting. His wife was planning on meeting him there the next day. When he got into his hotel room, he decided to send his wife a quick email to let her know he had arrived safely. The problem was, he didn't know her exact email. Being one letter off, the email went to an Elderly woman, whose Preacher husband had just died. Passing by her computer, she clicked on the email, screamed and fainted.

Her family came running and this is what they saw.

"Darling, just arrived. Everything is clear for your arrival tommorow. The place is just like I imagined it would be. I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Your loving husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

[Uncle Hugo]

How did the Vikings pick up women?

By their hair.

[HeavyMetalNinja]

Linford Christie goes into a restaurant and tries to book a table

The waiter says "Sorry, we don't have any more tables available. But there's another restaurant about ten minutes down the road, they may have a table free."

Linford Christie says "Don't you know who I am?"

Waiter says "Okay smart-arse, three minutes."

[BluTsbunny]

Two little boys were upstairs in their room getting ready for breakfast. The older boy turned to his brother and said "You know, I think it's time we started using cuss words. When we go down to eat, I'll say hell and you'll say ass. Ok?"

"Sounds good to me!" said his little brother. So the boys go downstairs and sit down at the breakfast table. The mom turned to the older boy and asked him what he wanted to eat. "Aw hell ma! I guess I'll just have some cheerios." The mom freaks out and swats his behind all the way back upstairs. When she comes back down, the little boy is crying. When she asks him what he wants to eat, the little boy sniffs and says. "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be cheerios!"

[Uncle Hugo]

This guy walks into the hospital, his wife just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets with the doctor and he says "Oh Doc I've been so worried, how are they?"

The doctor smiles and says " They're fine, just fine, your wife delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form.

"Your one lucky guy."

So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers, but the place is empty, his wife's bed is empty.

"Doc?" he says and turns around, the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream into his face.

"APRIL FOOL! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!"

[Ron]

First the Cheese...

*Two guys walk into a bar...the first one ducks, the second screams "Ouch"

*Two smurfs walk into a bar...and the bartender goes, "Why so blue?"

*A kid's father is drunk and puts on a Batman costume, "C'mon, let's play Batman," he cries. His little kid son replies, "Fatman."

The Better Ones...

*"I don't believe in gay marriage, because God created Men AND Women" said a girl

"God also created Children AND Pedophiles" I replied

*"Can you get all your Episode 1 figures out?" Mike asked me once.

"Just dump the whole bin out..." I told him.

"But it'll be a huge mess we'll have to clean up."

"...Dude, that's what Star Wars Episode 1 WAS..."

*"What is a Bully's goal?" asks the teacher.

A girl raises her hand, "To make you cry."

Me, the obnoxious one at the time (2nd Grade) yells out "I thought it was to give you a wedgie!?" - The class bursts out laughing (I Swear to God, I'm not lying here.)

"Michael, in the hallway, you're laughing too hard!"

*Two girls and a boy named David are walking in the hallway. One of the girls accidentally keeps brushing against David. As a joke, David yells out "WOOO!" at one point.

"You little pervert!" one of the girls yells.

"Good kind or bad kind?" David asks.

"All perverts are bad!!!???" said one girl (Dumbfucking stereotype!)

"Not in bed," David said, and then he ran like batshit down the stairs.

*One time during Gym the teacher was just telling us something about a test and suddenly so many kids got angry they all screeched so loud at the same time. For absolutely no reason, I yelled out "FUCK YOU! OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!" during this whole thing - Nobody noticed except the kid next to me.

All of these except the 2 'cheesy' ones are TRUE, except I may have messed up the exact words.

Don't worry, none of them will get a single laugh! *Buh-dum-bum-pshhh*

[JVM]

^ That joke was better them all of mine XD.

(Are we allowed to post jokes from movies and stuff here as well?)

[AmonStone]

Guy walks into a restaurant, and the place is packed.
He sees one empty chair at a table with a guy already sitting at it.
He walks over and asks if he can sit with him. The guy says "Sure"
The guy sits down and they begin to chat. Ones name is Bill, the others name is Roger.
Roger, the guy who was already sitting at the table tells Bill that he might want to reconsider sitting with him.
"Why's that Roger?"
Roger says "Well, you see I have leprosy, I have a bit of a smell to me and sometimes little pieces of flesh fall off."
Bill tells him it wont be a problem.
The waitress comes over and they both order a salad.
The salads come and they begin to eat. Bill looks up from his salad, and begins to heave.
"Bill, please, if my leprosy is bothering you I wont be offended if you'd want to wait for another table."
"Don't worry about it Roger, everythings fine, it's not you, really."
They finish their salad and each order soup.
The waitress brings over the soup, and they start to eat.
Again, Bill looks up from his soup and begins to gag.
"Bill, please. If my leprosy is really bothering you, please find another place to sit, I wont be offended I swear. I know that I smell and pieces of me fall off sometimes."
"Not at all Roger, everythings fine. Please trust me, it's not you, ok?"
They go back to eating. They finish the soup and each of them orders dinner.
After awhile the waitress brings their dinners over and they start to eat.
Bill looks up, and without warning, vomits all over himself, the table, and Roger.
"Dammit Bill, I told you to leave if my smell and falling pieces of skin bother you. Now look what youve done!"
Bill says to him "Im sorry Roger but its really not you, its the drunk guy behind you, dipping his bread in your neck."

[Autobotsdie]

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peo ple may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identif y SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace..

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever....Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

[The New Blood]

why....................?

[Autobotsdie]

Why? Because I bet most of us have been through things like this.

[Darth Sinister]

Why? Because I bet most of us have been through things like this.

Indeed. That's why I make it a point to not take a shit in public. Some days, it just does not pay to do so.

[Bill 1981]

Ah... The Jokes thread... Brings back memories! Talk amongst yourselves...I'm a little verklempt here... :sniffle:

And I'm spent...

Okay, funny joke here.

A couple has been married for over 20 years and one year for christmas, the wife decided to get her hubby an unusual gift. So on Christmas Eve, the husband opens his wife's gift and sees that it's a frog in a cage.

The husband goes, "What the Hell is this?"
The wife replies, "It's a frog. It's got a special talent. It's been trained to give blowjobs."
The husband goes, "Okay, I'll try it out later."

Cut to later on that night, the wife is awaken by the sounds of pots and pans clattering in the kitchen. The wife rushes down to the kitchen and sure enough, the husband is digging out the cookware from the cabinets and the frog is reading a cookbook. The wife goes, "What the fuck are you doing?! It's 2am!"

The husband, with a big grin on his face goes, "Soon as I teach this frog how to cook, your ass is outta this house, bitch!"

Thank you, I'm here all week! :D

[BluTsbunny]

A teacher was telling her students that human beings are the only creatures that stutter when one student raised his hand and said that his cat stuttered. Really? The teacher asked. Yeah! This big dog came up to my cat and started growling at him. My cat said F-f-f-f-f-! and before he could say Fuck off, the dog ate him.

[Jason's Storm]

I recently built this gingerbread house. It had the best ingrediants in it. The best frosting, the best gumdrops, the best licorise, the best of everything. Now I have a problem. The bank foreclosed on it and took it from me.

~JS

[BluTsbunny]

Ok, this isn't a joke but it is pretty funny. I heard this from a friend on another message board.

This friend has a three year old daughter who called 911 because they were out of spagetti-O's and she was hungry. The conversation went as such:

Little Girl: I'm hungry.

911 operator: Well, where's your mom?

Little Girl: I don't know. I can't find her.

911 operator: Well, where's your dad?

Little Girl: Outside digging a big hole.

Finally, my friend happened to come in and was able to convince the operator that everything was alright and I think the little girl eventually got her spagetti-O's.

[Jus-X]

If you've heard a good joke latley, or know of any knee slappers, share them with us. Here's one to start us off.

A junkie breaks into a house looking for something to steal so he can sell it a to tame his drug habits.

Upon entering through the window he hears a voice call out to him saying, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar freaks and asks, "Who is there?!"

The voice repeats itself, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar turns and sees a parrot in a cage, letting his heart beat go down, he talks to the parrot, "Hello, what's your name bird?"

The parrot answers, "Cornelius, brock!"

The burglar laughs and says, "What kind of idiot names his pet bird 'Cornelius?'"

The parrot answers, "The same idiot who names his pet doberman 'Jesus?'"

[The Tall Man]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

"Fsh."

[michaelleefinnie]

want to know the origin of the word burglar? one day, a man broke into a resturant, because he wanted a burger. he got the burger, but went to close to some machine let's make up, and got his private area section of his pants stuck to tar, and all he wanted was a burger. he hanged in the resturant till the next day when it opened, and he went to jail, asking for burgers.

[Jus-X]

Two hunters go deep into the woods to look for some game. While Eddie was loading his rifle, his partner Dewey was testing out his scope.

Dewey: Hey Ed, I'm checking my scope here and I can see your house from here... and yer wife's cheatin on ya!

Eddie: Dag nammit, I've had it up to here with that woman! Shoot 'er in the fuckin head. And while yer at it, shoot him in the privates!!!

Dewey: Sweet, this will only take one shot!!!

[Jus-X]

Am I the only one in here with jokes?

My wife told me this one last night and it had me rollin...

A man goes into a doctor's:

Man: "Dr., I have a problem. My penis has turned orange."
Dr: "Well have you been eating or drinking mass quantities of oranges?"
Man: "No, but I have been eating alot of Cheetos lately."
Dr: "Have you been doing anything else?"
Man: "Well I do watch porn when I eat Cheetos."

[DavidDunn]

This is more of a riddle.

What's green, seven miles long, and has an asshole every ten feet?
A St. Patrick's Day Parade

[Jus-X]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced eachother for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am gigving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at eachother, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behinda couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling . Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Well, do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on his head!'

[The Tall Man]

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"

T.M., Esq.

[Darth Sinister]

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

[SlasherFreak]

Voodoo dick

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife's adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.

The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. "I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys."

"Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don't want to sell you THAT." replied the clerk.

"Let me see it anyway!" Answered the man.

The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.

"That's not special!" cried the man.

"Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR." The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.

"I'll take that, but how do you get it to stop?"

The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply "Voodoo dick? The box."

So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.

The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn't stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said "voodoo dick? My-" well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.

"But..." She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.

He laughed at her foolish story. "Voodoo dick my ass!" he cried.

[kiss_armyman1]

Guy walks into a bar with wierd look on his face. The bartender says whats wrong with you? The guy says nothing , I just got my first blow job. The bartender says thats great ! The first drink is on me!
The other guy says great, anything to get ,this taste out of my mouth!

[Bill 1981]

Best Ron White quote EVER.

Yesterday I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, and I was flipping through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist out of Dallas, and he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" Yes, sir! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently I'm not the only cat on the block digs Cheetos.

[The Gunslinger]

Yeah, I'm going there. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Acne?

Acne waits until you're thirteen to cum all over your face.

[Jus-X]

Everything's bigger in Texas, though. :shifty:
From the Smallville Thread.

This reminded me of a joke...

A blind business man went on a trip with his company, going from L.A. California to Dallas Texas. As the blindman entered the Texas Airliner he began to feel the seats to count the rows and find his designated seats.

"Damn, these seats are huge!"

A stewardess nearby hears this and smiles, saying, "Everything's bigger in Texas."

Minutes later as the plane is in the air the stewardess walked down the aisles taking people orders for lunch. The blindman declined the fish but ordered the steak. As the food came out and the steak was placed on his tray he felt the steak to know where to start cutting his it.

"Damn, this steak is huge."

The stewardess again says, "Everything's bigger in Texas!"

After the plane landed, the man took a cab to the closest place for a drink. He was dropped off at a bar that shared a hallway to the gym next door. He ordered his beer, feeling the mug he exclaims, "Damn, this is a big stine!" The bartender smiles and says, "Everything's bigger in Texas!"

Well after a few giant drinks the man began to get buzzed and needed to relieve himself. So the blindman asked how to get to the restroom, the bartender responds, "There's a hallway to you left. It's the second door on the right."

The blindman begins walking in that direction, tapping his cane and feeling the wall to count the doors. After he trips and regains his footing, he accidently enters the third door on the right, which is the nextdoor gym's pool room.

The blindman fell into to pool and began screaming, "DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH!!!"

[On a Pale Horse]

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/davidthornedavidthornef.jpg

[CrystalLake]

What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in"

[Jus-X]

What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in"

Condom's reply:

"Damn this trench is deep!"

[kiss_armyman1]

Condom's reply:

"Damn this trench is deep!"

and wide too too too too!

[CrystalLake]

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't." See, cuz of the echo...

[Jus-X]

Newly found disease:

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss and tells her she can't come into work because of a new illness.

The boss asks "what illness?"

The woman explains she has anal glaucoma.

The boss didn't know what anal glaucoma was, and asked.

The woman responds "I don't see my ass coming into work this way."

[Bill 1981]

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't." See, cuz of the echo...

Wa wa WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Good one.

Originally Posted by Ron "Tater Salad" White
I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We flew on a plane that big, like a pack of gum with eight people in it, just (imitates sound of a tiny airplane). We were going half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, the pilot was screaming, "Go around! Go around!" On the way there, we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a 9-minute flight. Can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went (looks backward) "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] Heard ya! Sure did. of course, I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like "take it down, I don't care. Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin ass!"

[Nukulur]

A man makes his reservation at a fancy restaurant, arrives and is seated. After ordering a glass of fine wine and looking over the menu for a few minutes, the man calls the waiter over to the table and decides to order Today's Special. The waiter says "Wise choice, sir" and goes to place his order in the kitchen. A few minutes later, the server brings out a large covered platter and sets it down on his table. The dome is lifted, and the man exclaims "PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY?! This is outrageous! I figure if i'm at a fine restaurant and ordering dinner, you should at least have the common decency to COOK something for your customers!" The waiter apologizes profusely, takes the platter off of the table and heads back into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he brings out another silver platter, sets it on the table in front of the man and uncovers it. The man exclaims:

Peanut butter and jelly. . .on toast?!


-__-

[Jus-X]

Two Texans go out hunting with their rifles. As one loads up his gun, the other tests his scope:

Hunter 1: Hey mang, I can see yer house from here... your wife's cheatin' on you!

Hunter 2: Dammit to hell, I've had it up to here with her. Shoot 'er in the head. And while yer at it, give the guy a shot to the crotch.

Hunter 3: Sweet, I can get this in one shot!

[Kat]

Two Texans go out hunting with their rifles. As one loads up his gun, the other tests his scope:

Hunter 1: Hey mang, I can see yer house from here... your wife's cheatin' on you!

Hunter 2: Dammit to hell, I've had it up to here with her. Shoot 'er in the head. And while yer at it, give the guy a shot to the crotch.

Hunter 3: Sweet, I can get this in one shot!

Justyn, didn't you post this one like 1 or 2 pages ago? ;)

[Bill 1981]

A snail is hanging out on a porch one morning, then the owner of the house comes outside, sees the snail and throws it into the yard.

A year later, the snail is back on the porch again, sees the guy who threw him and says "What the fuck's your problem?"

[Jus-X]

Justyn, didn't you post this one like 1 or 2 pages ago? ;)

Maybe? Maybe just one of my blonde moments... even though I have brown hair...:shifty:

[Nukulur]

Well, in that case:

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are on the run from the police, when their car runs out of gas and they take off on foot. They run into a barn, with the sheriff on their tail. They quickly hide in potato sacks on the floor before he gets in, but he sees the sacks moving on the ground. He goes up to the first one and kicks it, and the redhead says "Meow!" The sheriff figures it's just a cat, so he goes up tot he second one. The brunette says "Ruff!" and he figures it's just a dog. He goes up to the third one one, kicks it and the blonde says "Potatoes!"

[Jus-X]

What's red and green and spins around really fast?

Freddy Krueger riding a tornado.

[BluTsbunny]

What's a cat's favorite video game?


Answer: Prince of Purrsia (Persia):D

[Bill 1981]

What's green & pink and smells like pork?

Kermit's fingers.

[The Dark Vampire]

What is the difference between a foot and a camera

A foot has 5 toes and camera has photos

[Jus-X]

A guy walking down the beach stumbles upon a golden lamp. He picks it up and wipes the sand off with his hand. Poof! A genie appears!

Genie: Congratulations! You found my lamp and you get to make one wish

Man: Alright! Well Genie, I've always wanted to take my wife to Hawaii, but you see, she's afraid of flying and she gets massive seasickness on a boat. So I wish for a highway to span the ocean from here to Hawaii so we could drive there.

Genie: Well first of all, if I did that alot of people would be upset. You see, people who DO use boats and cruise ships would have to travel around the bridge, they would no longer be able to go through that specific spot where the bridge would exist.

Man: Oh...

Genie: Ontop of that sudden bridge appearing in the Pacific would cause all of the sealife in the area to get crushes from the pillars that hold the bridge up. Lots of sealife out there are endagered, so there's a chance we could wipe a species out of existance.

Man: I see.

Genie: And finally with the disruption of the ocean current, there's a probabilty that all of the countries off of the atlantic would suffer massive tidal waves, killing maybe thousands.

Man: Well nevermind... how about this; my wife is always telling me I need to understand her better. So I would like the ability to understand women.

The genie thinks for several minutes and finally asks, "Do you want four lanes or six lanes?"

[Uncle Hoody]

A guy walking down the beach stumbles upon a golden lamp. He picks it up and wipes the sand off with his hand. Poof! A genie appears!

Genie: Congratulations! You found my lamp and you get to make one wish

Man: Alright! Well Genie, I've always wanted to take my wife to Hawaii, but you see, she's afraid of flying and she gets massive seasickness on a boat. So I wish for a highway to span the ocean from here to Hawaii so we could drive there.

Genie: Well first of all, if I did that alot of people would be upset. You see, people who DO use boats and cruise ships would have to travel around the bridge, they would no longer be able to go through that specific spot where the bridge would exist.

Man: Oh...

Genie: Ontop of that sudden bridge appearing in the Pacific would cause all of the sealife in the area to get crushes from the pillars that hold the bridge up. Lots of sealife out there are endagered, so there's a chance we could wipe a species out of existance.

Man: I see.

Genie: And finally with the disruption of the ocean current, there's a probabilty that all of the countries off of the atlantic would suffer massive tidal waves, killing maybe thousands.

Man: Well nevermind... how about this; my wife is always telling me I need to understand her better. So I would like the ability to understand women.

The genie thinks for several minutes and finally asks, "Do you want four lanes or six lanes?"

Man I heard a very similar version of that joke but posting it here would be insta-ban worthy :shifty:




In other news:


What's brown and sounds like a bell?



DUNG!

[Darth Sinister]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans,flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian....'

[BluTsbunny]

So there's three guys standing in front of a firing squad getting ready to be executed. A blond, a brunette, and a redhead.

The squad leader says Ready! Aim! and the Brunette yells Tornado! With everyone distracted, the brunette gets away.

Again the leader says Ready Aim! and then the redhead yells Hurricane! With everyone distracted again, the redhead gets away.

So now the blond is getting an idea. So after he hears, Ready! Aim! he yells Fire!

[BluTsbunny]

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/oz
Philosophers' Brains $12/oz
Scientists' Brains $15/oz
Republicans' Brains $19/oz
Democrats' Brains $2,000/oz

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My those Democrats' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many Democrats you have to kill to get a ounce of brains?!"

[The Dark Vampire]

Why did The Ultimate Warrior got fired from a pet shop

He wouldn't sell a Pedigree

[Autobotsdie]

If a big breasted girl works at Hooters where does a one legged person work?



IHop

[Jus-X]

A family invites a priest over for dinner. The father of the family informs his kids to be on their best behavior. Before arriving the priest decides he wanted to bring something to contribute to the meal, and stops off at the meat department of a grocery. The priest asks for the finest ham they sell. The man behind the counter tells the priest "you want dam-ham." The priest responds "my son, as you can see I am a man of God, I do not appreciate you cursing." The man behind the counter tells the priest "I mean you no disrespect Father, but that's the name of the ham." The priest understands and order the dam-ham.

At dinner after saying grace, the family and priest enjoyed the first round of food. The priest decided to have another helping, and asks the son "Timothy, can you cut me another helping of the dam-ham please?" Timothy turns his head to everyone at the table and happily exclaims "what a cool priest, hey dad, pass the fucking potatoes!"

[Darth Sinister]

A priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that Doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY COCK?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[Jus-X]

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

[BluTsbunny]

There was a young parson named Bings,
Who kept his mind on heavenly things.
But his heart was on fire
for a boy in his choir;
whose ass was like jelly on springs.

[Uncle Hoody]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic" .

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a little balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's quite a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to *$!# off.

[BluTsbunny]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.....

Shit on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats........

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation..................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

and that is why everyone wants to work for the government.

[The Tall Man]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense!

T.M., Esq.

[Bill 1981]

A man sits down at a small diner to enjoy his dinner when three biker's walk in. The first biker walks past the man and knocks over his soda before sitting down at the counter. The second biker walks past the man and spits the biggest greenest hocker in the man's dinner before sitting down at the counter. The third biker walks past the man and smacks the man hard right in the back of the head before sitting at the counter.

The man politely folds his napkin, gets up from the table and exits the diner as the three biker's laugh and call him names.

A few minutes later another man walks into the diner and says "Hey! Who owns the three Harley's out front?" The biggest biker of the three stands up and says "We do, What about it?!"

"Well some trucker just ran them over." :D

No bullshit, but that happened to me once. :X

I was eating dinner in a truck stop near Omaha a few years back and these nimrods on crotch-rockets (sport bikes) came in and just started acting like total tools; throwing spitwads at the other truckers, being loud, obnoxious and rude as all hell. One dumbass gets from his table and sits next on the stool next to me and starts running his mouth off to me, name-calling, etc. I tell him that he should ignore me and get back to his boyfriends before they get jealous. So, he gets the gumption to tell me he's gonna kick my ass 40 ways to Florida and back, so I'm just royally amused with this guy.

I get up from my seat, pay my bill, and get to the door. I look back at the dipshits and ask them if they enjoy walking, in which one replied, "Yeah, we do. It looks like you don't do much of that yourself, bitch." I laugh and say to them, "Okay then. It's been fun, boys. Have a good one."

I get into my truck, start it up and go full on Snowman and run over their sport bikes. They come running out crying, I poke my head out of the window and shouted "ENJOY YOUR WALK HOME, F*GS!!" and flip them the bird as I drive off. :lol:

[Darth Sinister]

No bullshit, but that happened to me once. :X

I was eating dinner in a truck stop near Omaha a few years back and these nimrods on crotch-rockets (sport bikes) came in and just started acting like total tools; throwing spitwads at the other truckers, being loud, obnoxious and rude as all hell. One dumbass gets from his table and sits next on the stool next to me and starts running his mouth off to me, name-calling, etc. I tell him that he should ignore me and get back to his boyfriends before they get jealous. So, he gets the gumption to tell me he's gonna kick my ass 40 ways to Florida and back, so I'm just royally amused with this guy.

I get up from my seat, pay my bill, and get to the door. I look back at the dipshits and ask them if they enjoy walking, in which one replied, "Yeah, we do. It looks like you don't do much of that yourself, bitch." I laugh and say to them, "Okay then. It's been fun, boys. Have a good one."

I get into my truck, start it up and go full on Snowman and run over their sport bikes. They come running out crying, I poke my head out of the window and shouted "ENJOY YOUR WALK HOME, F*GS!!" and flip them the bird as I drive off. :lol:

Was it a Sap Bros.?

Fortunately, not all of us are douches like those dicks.