The Taff Show

[The Taff]

Welcome to the Taff Show.

On this show, The Taff takes any requests for advice you may have and gives you a sensible answer. There's no problem, big or small, that The Taff can't cure.

Lines are open, let's take your posts!

[Kat]

How can I finally admit my feelings to the only one I actually love?

[Jus-X]

The Taff,

What's the best way I could lose weight and keep it off?

[The Taff]

How can I finally admit my feelings to the only one I actually love?

The Taff recalls that a famous artist once chopped off a body part as a sign of affection. Try that out.

Which brings me to...

The Taff,

What's the best way I could lose weight and keep it off?

Once again, amputation!

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING!

[Kat]

The Taff recalls that a famous artist once chopped off a body part as a sign of affection. Try that out.


IT SOLVES EVERYTHING!

Hers or mine?

[Just Jeans]

Dear The Taff,

What caliber firearm will most effectively paint the tree against which I will no doubt be sitting with the innards of my skull? I'd like to get it right on the first try, with as little margin for error as possible. These things must be done right.

Verily yours,
The Man With the Flab

[The Taff]

Hers or mine?

Either or. The Taff is 100% positively sure it will work well either way.

Dear The Taff,

What caliber firearm will most effectively paint the tree against which I will no doubt be sitting with the innards of my skull? I'd like to get it right on the first try, with as little margin for error as possible. These things must be done right.

Verily yours,
The Man With the Flab

The Taff recommends a modern 120 mm tank gun shell.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1e/IMI120shells.jpg/400px-IMI120shells.jpg
Tank Rounds: For when you're done fucking around...

[Just Jeans]

Bet it'd be a real grind trying to fire that motherfucker with my big toe whilst simultaneously sucking on the barrel.

[The Taff]

Bet it'd be a real grind trying to fire that motherfucker with my big toe whilst simultaneously sucking on the barrel.

If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way.

[Violent VictiM]

Bet it'd be a real grind trying to fire that motherfucker with my big toe whilst simultaneously sucking on the barrel.

If Kurt Cobain could do it whilst on a shit load of heroin, I think you could pull it off, Jeans.

[Jus-X]

Dear The Taff,

If I'm looking at a promotion at work, would I need to dress or act any differently to secure the spot?

Regards,
Jay

[The Taff]

Dear The Taff,

If I'm looking at a promotion at work, would I need to dress or act any differently to secure the spot?

Regards,
Jay

Very simple. The Taff reccommends you dress like Batman and growl at anyone who talks to you. Nobody is going to refuse the goddamn Batman for any position.

Also, fill your utility belt with Pez and pass it out among the office.

[Jus-X]

Also, fill your utility belt with Pez and pass it out among the office.

What if I could only afford Tic Tacs... would that still work?

[SlasherFreak]

I liked this thread better when it was called the "Ask The Boo Anything Thread"

:D just fucking with you...you know I had to :D

But I will ask the same question....

If you're blessed with a horse-like penis, which leg should you tape it down to?

[The Taff]

What if I could only afford Tic Tacs... would that still work?

Fuck no, are you high!? You want this promotion or not!? Get Pez, damn it!

If you're blessed with a horse-like penis, which leg should you tape it down to?

Depends on whether you want to walk like a "Gangsta" or a cowboy. tape to the left for a good gangsta stride and tape to the right if you feel the need to mosey.

[Bill 1981]

O Great Taffer

Whats with all of these moronic fans developing their own support fanbases with lame tags like 'Team So-so'? If you're into that sort of thing, what Team do you choose?

If you go with Team Choptop, I promise you all the Pineapple you could ever want.

[The Taff]

O Great Taffer

Whats with all of these moronic fans developing their own support fanbases with lame tags like 'Team So-so'? If you're into that sort of thing, what Team do you choose?

If you go with Team Choptop, I promise you all the Pineapple you could ever want.

It's the greater tribe mentality of dumbshits in play. They all wish to belong to a group and fight another group as if it's some higher calling.

Luckily The Taff has evolved past such primal urges. I've evolved to the point that I realized Team Pineapple is the only team, and all other teams are stupid and should get raped.

Twice.

[Jus-X]

Dear Mr Taff,

Thank you for the advice about the Pez. I offered some to the hiring manager and she took it. She said the last guy who came in for an interview offered her a tic tax and she got offended, as if she had bad breath.

I chose the Michael Keaten Batman costume, and I guess one colored suits are more in style than Eddie Bauer two colored suit. She told me she hated Adam West's gray and blue colors, that they clashed.

You are very smart.

Regards,
Jay

[The Taff]

Dear Mr Taff,

You are very smart.

Regards,
Jay

I clipped out everything that wasn't relevent. The Taff is all about efficiency.

[Just Jeans]

If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way.

I've got 765 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes and 10 seconds to find a way. I reckon that's plenty of time.

If Kurt Cobain could do it whilst on a shit load of heroin, I think you could pull it off, Jeans.

Kurt fired at tank round with his big toe? That's impressive shit! :eek:

[The Taff]

I've got 765 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes and 10 seconds to find a way. I reckon that's plenty of time.

Yeah, I imagine the paperwork for tank amunition, much less something to fire it with, would take about that long.

Kurt fired at tank round with his big toe? That's impressive shit! :eek:

He was Kurt fuckin' Cobain! He was made of pure Legend.

[Nukulur]

What should I do for a Klondike bar?

[Kat]

Should I try and go heterosexual? Or should I stay with what I like?

[The Taff]

What should I do for a Klondike bar?

You ask for advice here. It's not titled the "Ask The Taff Anything" thread.

Should I try and go heterosexual? Or should I stay with what I like?

You should stay with what works for you. If there are any douchebags hitting on or pressureing you to change you then give them a swift fire punch to the minerals!

[Just Jeans]

The next time my step father accuses someone in our family of stealing medication out of his lock box -- a lock box for which only he has a key; a lock box for which he honestly believes someone has found a duplicate key just laying around, or that one of us has learned to pick locks -- should I hit him in the face? I'm genuinely considering it.

[The Taff]

The next time my step father accuses someone in our family of stealing medication out of his lock box -- a lock box for which only he has a key; a lock box for which he honestly believes someone has found a duplicate key just laying around, or that one of us has learned to pick locks -- should I hit in the face? I'm genuinely considering it.

No, but The Taff has become aware of a trick he can do with his big toe...

[Just Jeans]

Considering how concerned his physician is that he has colon cancer -- a prognosis he refuses to get checked properly, in spite of his physician's constant begging for him to do so -- I imagine it's a trick he'll be considering in a year or less. Left untreated, I hear colon cancer is painful beyond comprehension. I don't think he's got what it takes to tough that sort of thing out. He's a lot more likely to do for himself with his big toe than to try and stick it out.

[The Taff]

A dark terror slumbers in the earth's core, threatening to awaken and take the world for it's own.

Also, it gives advice.

This is the return of The Taff Show.