F-13 Forum Hall of Shame

[The Taff]

This is for your bizaare e-mails you recieve. It's preferable that they be forum related. Like this one:

Here's an update incase you're just joining us. One of the worse shit birds from the original forum, Jamie Mathis, showed up to gloat over the place going nuclear. SInce the guy had apparently been torturing Brenna for a good long while, I volunteered to take the focus off of her by antagonizing this idiot. My messages were inspired by one of my fictional heros, Doctor Perry Cox. Here would be my first message:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Master Taffer" <-------------------------------->
To: Fuckhead <--------------------------->
Sent: Saturday, July 07, 2007 8:14 PM
Subject: No Topic


Hey there, Sharona.

Now I know you feel strong on the internet, but you'll eventually have to face the facts that you're a sad, obsessive little shit who is waging a holy war on a website that does not care and is actually getting quite a laugh out of your sad shenanigans. You have the intimidation and strength factor of a turtle neck sweater that is just a wee bit tight at the collar.

Now I'm sure this is going to have no effect on you, but it'de probably be wise to cease your crusade and get one fo those little things we call a life. It's not our fault you have abandonment issues with your mother because she stopped breast feeding you at the age of 12.

Or we could just replace you with a Cookoo clock and at the top of every hour, a little version of you can pop out and say, "I've never satisfied a woman, I've never satisfied a woman, I've never satisfied a woman..."

Later, Cassandra.

He replied with this sad example of a string of fat jokes...

From : Fuckhead <---------------------->
Sent : Sunday, July 08, 2007 12:59 AM
To : Master Taffer <---------------------->
Subject : Re: No Topic

I know you feel fat and ugly on the internet,but you'll eventually have to face the facts that your fat and un tanned with glasses.Waging a war on a website that cant even exist anymore lol yeah your getting a laugh all right.I love turtle necks espicially argal or raoon.Now im sure it still bothers you that you turned out fat like your mom.But you must learn to put down the donuts diet coke cant work miracles nor can jenny craig.We could
put you on a coo coo clock but hell it would never hold your big ass.We will try a crane with you saying i have to take whatever man i get cause i cant quit the donuts.Love you baby and love the fr 13th site lol espically now that its gone lol lol lol lol lol lol

Then I sent this reply...

From: "Master Taffer" <-------------------------------->
To: Fuckhead <--------------------------->
Sent: Sunday, July 08, 2007 3:17 AM
Subject: No Topic


My, Marjorie, aren't you feisty today. Someone finally get you that Y chromosome you've always wanted?

First of all, fat jokes? What in the name of, "Are yah there God, it's me Margret," were you thinking? Last I checked, those went out of style in Kindergarden where you apparently left your self respect.

Listen up, Supergirl, I just wanted to explain that it was my fault. Here I engaged you and apparently gave you the impression that I gave a crap, which is JUST-SO-WRONG of me. I should have realized that someone who would do something as pathetic as fake their own death for sympathy is just looking for any time of way to connect with anyone, especially for such a stunning display of girl power as yourself. What you probably need, Mary-Beth, is a backbone, or maybe some testicles, or at the very least a pillow so you can carry it around cry your sad eyes out and wonder why you can't find a man that understands you.

And should you reply back, ladies and gentlemen, may I present "Man not careing."

See you around, Fantasia.

I then recieved this desecration of a Vincent Price monologue:

From : Fuckhead <---------------------->
Sent : Tuesday, July 10, 2007 12:59 AM
To : Master Taffer <---------------------->
Subject : Re: No Topic


And here my prize the black widow and isnt she lovely and so deadley you
see her kiss 15 times as poisonous of that of the rattle snake which is to
say it attacks the central nervous system causing intense pain perfuse
sweating difficulty breathing violent convulsions and finally death you know
the thing i love is her unborn need to dominate and posess such power if i
may put forward a slite bit of philopsy i feel that man has ruled this world
as a stumbling dementoned child king long enough and as my precious black
widow shall rise

THE WORDS I SPEAK ARE TRUE WERE ALL HUMANARY STEWW IF WE DONT PLEDGE
ALLEAGANCE TO THE

BLACK WIDOW MY FRIEND


LOVE YOU GOT TO GO

The guy is a world class wonder shit, for sure. When I'm bored I'll send my next message.

[Lauren Leigh Vale]

Thank God it's here :) This is my FAVORITE of all subjects in the Party Cabin :0)

[Nancy Thompson]

I am so glad this thread is back! It always made me laugh on the old board lol!

[Just Jeans]

Damn, I was hoping for a little more activity from our good friend Mathis.

Hurry and send him another message, Nate. I want to see what sort of ripped off diatribe he'll manage to filter through his DUH-o-meter before sending it along to us. :side:

[Lauren Leigh Vale]

I second that-- I need more stupidity to laugh at! :)

[The Dark Vampire]

Damn, I was hoping for a little more activity from our good friend Mathis.

Hurry and send him another message, Nate. I want to see what sort of ripped off diatribe he'll manage to filter through his DUH-o-meter before sending it along to us. :side:

If we had his e mail address we could set up a "gimmick" e mail address ourself's and have fun with him as a whole

[Lauren Leigh Vale]

If we had his e mail address we could set up a "gimmick" e mail address ourself's and have fun with him as a whole

That would be TOO much fun!

[The Taff]

I seem to have a talent of making the stupid people go away. Nobody has heard hide nor hair of Mathis since that last e-mail.

I say this in hopes to jinx the quiet. I'm fricken bored...

[Jason's Storm]

I might have seen him, but I'll keep that to myself.

~JS

[Dave Dunwoody]

Do any of you guys think he's here, posting among us? I dunno, "u tell me" mfkagflksgaj

[The Taff]

The horror, Dave...

The horror...

[Just Jeans]

I dunno, "u tell me" mfkagflksgaj

NO U. :duh: :shy:






















I've seen more subtle F5 tornadoes, Dave.

[Linderman]

Do any of you guys think he's here, posting among us? I dunno, "u tell me" mfkagflksgaj


I bet Cobra Commander wouldn't get that at all.

[Joshg]

I never ventured onto the old forum's thread of this, but after those very, uh, unique (?) letters you received Taffer, I think I've found a new fave thread. Hooray!

"un tanned with glasses" :P
This is going to sound very geekish, but god! Untanned!!! Spelling makes me pissed, almost as much as no spaces between sentences!!! Gah, but entertainment. :)

[Dave Dunwoody]

I bet Cobra Commander wouldn't get that at all.

I bet Cobra Commander could benchpress Destro's castle while the Baroness sucked his dick. HEY DESTRO WHAT'S WITH THE COLLAR. ARE YOU HERE TO PLAY BRIDGE WITH THE QUEEN MUM OR BLOW SHIT UP.

[Lauren Leigh Vale]

*so sad* Where are all of the stupid people? Surely, they've got to be e-mailing someone?

[Jason's Storm]

Probably Dusk, I'm sure he has some interesting ones.

~JS

[Skye]

Hopefully Dusk can entertain us with some of the stupid emails he gets.

Ooh, can we start posting the bans here too? I love reading the stupid shit people do to get their asses banned.

I've found a new favorite thread as well!

[Darth Sinister]

I think it's because this forum is not like the original used to be, that we're probably not going to have as many of these e-mails as we used to get.

[Utellme]

I think it's because this forum is not like the original used to be, that we're probably not going to have as many of these e-mails as we used to get.
What do you mean by that ?

[Dave Dunwoody]

What do you mean by that ?

utellme









___

[WestinHillsDays]

the stupid people's stupidity did not allow them to find their way into the new forum. :p

[Burn]

I managed to find this in my inbox. Who could have sent it?



Subject: HOTPOCKET DEMON IS BULLSHIT
From: Bryan Farnsworth

------------------

"I GOT OUT"
-By Marty Balducci

In early 1999 I was visited by a pair of missionaries how told me about the "Hotpocket Demon". After reading their literature and expressing no interest in their cult, I asked them to leave. They then FORCED THEMSELVES INTO MY HOME, at which point they came on my face.

I was a PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME for 3 weeks. In an unholy ritual, the "missionaries" spread hot, salty cheese on my buttocks and performed acts which I cannot bear to think about, let alone mention.

At one point I believed I would die in my own home, tied facedown to my own bed, the only sounds my own weeping and the incessant beeping of the microwave downstairs.

For the next 7 months I was an unwilling, BRAINWASHED PAWN of the HOTPOCKET DEMON CULT, led from location to location to spread the word of the "religion", often subject to poor conditions as we slept in tents, shelters, etc - the life of the HOMELESS.

I was given a NEW IDENTITY - I was re-named "CAPTAIN ASS FACE" and forced to enter reputable establishments such as exotic dance clubs and Best Westerns, seeking women who would engage in UNSPEAKABLE SEX ACTS with us!! THEY TOUCHED MY HOLY TEMPLE PLACE

We lived by means of PANHANDLING, THEFT AND PROSTITUTION - stealing ham-and-cheese Hot Pockets to "fuel the spirit within" according to one of the false missionaries, whom I came to know as "Cheddar".

Each night ended with a mindless, zombielike repetition of the DEMONIC RITES of the HOTPOCKET DEMON. This was followed by Cheddar cumming on my face, then wiping it clean with nearby garbage as he sang a lullaby to me.

His partner, "Flaky Crust", would order me to act as if asleep as he KNEADED MY BUTTOCKS

THIS WENT ON FOR SEVEN MONTHS.

THE HOTPOCKET DEMON CULT is a cult of SADISM AND SEXUAL ABUSE - unlike anything seen since Heaven's Gate, the Branch Davidian or Jonestown. I was finally rescued by State Police.

DO NOT BUY INTO THE RHETORIC OF THIS SATANIC CULT!! I am and will always be in therapy to deal with the trauma of my experience. I CAN NEVER GO NEAR PRETEND CHEESE AGAIN It was very difficult to write down these recollections, so HEED MY WORDS!! PLEASE!!!

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU,

M. Balducci

[kiss_armyman1]

Another reason, Im glad to be back! lol I remember this moron! lol

[Darth Sinister]

What do you mean by that ?

The original forum was directly associated with the original official site. Once the forum crash happened, this forum was created to be a community for us regulars. We're not the official forum, hence we do not have as many goofy e-mails sent to us as we did on the original.

[Havoc]

You know even though I never replied much to them in the old forum this was also one of my favorite threads, and I'm glad I've gotten to read it here. it's almost upsetting to see that we don't have as many "children" on this forum. Oh well, maybe that's a sign that these films are starting to show their age.

Come to think of it, these films are coming up on 30 years soon, it's surprising that we found that many immature people on a message board for the films in the first place.

Either way, keep them coming, these are always entertaining. I get a few ridiculous emails concerning Friday the 13th myself. Not so much involving the films, but concerning my hobby that involves the films.

[Uncle Hoody]

With the new movie coming out, we're still not getting anything.

Geez...

[Jason's Storm]

Yea, where's the love, and the expectation, that we have a role, in the Friday the 13th movies:p.

~JS

[Dusk]

Hopefully Dusk can entertain us with some of the stupid emails he gets.


Sorry for the year-later jump-in, and yeah I get plenty dumb ones. But thankfully due to Gmail displaying the first sentence of each email alongside the subject title in my inbox, I tend to just hit delete if the opening sounds particularly idiotic. Here's a random I grabbed which seems to be symptomatic of most of the correspondance I receive:

how is the actor of the friday the 13 how is guy of jason where was flim at

Yep.

[Brett H.]

Fuck, man, that was my e-mail, and you weren't going to write back?! :(

[nottidelterrore]

Dusk, if you have any more of those gems please share them with us if you get the time. Hahaha...

I wonder if that's the same guy Master Taffer owned in the first page of this thread?

Boo, there's no way that's you unless you took some lessons on how to butcher the English language. :D

[God of Thunder]

oh ontti its rellay nto that hrd ti jsut teaks a lttel prctise

:D

This thread is hysterical!